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As a fairly attractive yet visually non-stealth black transgender woman, appearance is the line between my acceptance and their aggressions. This is the line that decides if I am “woman enough” to be treated as such. This is also the same line that decides if I fit into the CIS-hetero construct enough to have access to basic human rights. For many others, and myself this is the final line that decides if we, trans citizens, not living within cis-normativity should live or die.

With most oppressions being aesthetic based, oppressive cis-structure of appearance and passing privilege of transgender bodies are aspects of my experience that CANNOT be stressed enough! They guide the societal experience for many trans citizens differently and exercise consequence without restraint for those who don’t conform, causing long-ranging effects on the psyche and physical health. Non-cis conforming appearance being one the reasons trans students are targeted and bullied. Non-cis conforming appearance being one of the reasons many trans adults are discriminated against before speaking a word in an interview. Non-cis conforming appearance being one of the reasons many trans people are brutalized. Although appearance, for others, and myself can be a navigation to the success of our personal external transition to becoming visually gender validated, it is dually a root in the source of our marginalization, oppression, and victimization.

Passing privilege has played a part in the realization of what exactly cis-hetero society accepts and rejects. I have always been seen as feminine with softer looks and as I began to transition my appearance with clothes, makeup, and accessories, I was actually accepted (outwardly at least) by most. This shallow “acceptance” is based on the evidence that cis-hetero society feels visually feminine looking beings should look and act feminine and visually masculine beings should look and act masculine. Therefore I, visually non-stealth yet very feminine looking trans woman, should look and act visually feminine by cis-standard. This cis-standard is a sword to many trans men and women who may not visually fit their gender identity and fall further outside of cis-acceptance. This is a trans danger zone and where cis fragility-fueled aggression takes place.

I would be walking down the street with my also trans non-stealth friend (cis-society didn’t consider her ” traditionally feminine”) and men would purposely come between us, dividing us and shout at her. “Tranny!” “You fucking dude!” She was shoved, followed and harassed. Even spat at. A man even reached past me to throw a lit cigarette on her. The aggression she faced as a beautiful black trans woman was unwarranted, unrelenting, heinous and scarring. In addition, although we fought every aggression together, the distance between us grew because of the realization that not once, NOT ONCE, was that aggression targeted at me when we were together. It was unspoken between us, yet, we both noticed.

Still today, I do remain “in the middle” with my visual appearance; un-victimized, un-brutalized and un-attacked. However, the scars left on those I love, make me fear for further transition or regression. As I walk down the street now, EVERY MAN stares. They stare as if making the decision of what to assume I am. They stare as if waiting on a gender resolve. They stare as if searching for something. Long, Hard. Stares. Like lions watching prey and its sickening. It seems they find me feminine enough to not “deserve” attacks yet, thankfully, not feminine enough to make very many misogynistic aggressions. Yet they stare as if waiting; waiting for a reason to approach either in sexual aggression or hate.

For this reason, I fear further visual feminization or regression knowing they will approach in heightened unwanted advances. They will approach in heightened forced sexual aggression or heightened violence. They will approach and attack and coerce in a way that makes me walk with my face down and flee from every man on the street as to not be murdered because of their fragility to their attraction or disdain to the appearance of a trans person.

So, for the safety of our trans community, it’s imperative to break the chain. It’s imperative to break traditional binary. It’s imperative to break visual appearance standards and root our existences, not in cis-hetero privilege, but in the fact that WE, TRANS PEOPLE, DO, IN FACT, DIVERSLY EXIST.

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