You’re beautiful, stylish, ambitious, and goal-oriented. In your mind, you’re the Beyoncé of your friends– it’s not that you’re better than them, but you know you have that extra drop of dopeness about yourself. But, you still feel empty. Actually, underneath that layer of perceived fabulousness, lies an insecure little girl who has buried her need for validation behind trying to force relationships with men, who unfortunately can’t see her worth. Sound familiar?
Well, this was me; aimlessly, pursuing relationships with men who were just as broken as I was, in hopes that we could fix each other; and create a love story. Ahhh! Instead of investing time to connect with myself, and nurture all the positive things about me, I was dedicating my time to relentlessly find a husband/partner. At the time, my mindset was wrapped around needing a stable male figure by my side in order to pursue all my other life endeavors. I wanted it all, but for the wrong reasons.
March 2014 was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and led me to a thirty day man-fast; which enabled me to restore my confidence and reconnect with the woman I desired to be. This particular month signified the ending of a directionless situationship and its demise left me in shambles. I was emotionally at my lowest point, and totally disconnected from myself, or at the least, who I thought I was. After stumbling across an article, where another blogger fasted from men for thirty days, and met her husband, I figured, I had nothing left to lose if I tried the same thing.
So, for thirty days, I avoided contact with all men who were not close friends, co-workers or relatives. In place of the time I would spend, texting, calling, chasing after potential boos, or stressing over why no one would commit to me, I was now intentionally dedicating time to making sure my spirit matched up to how I looked on the outside.
What are the benefits of taking a break from dating and what to do during the fast? Journal. This is the opportunity to be honest and transparent with yourself. This was the time I connected with myself the most. I wrote down my most inner thoughts as a reference point to see my progress from the beginning of the fast until the end. I was finally being honest with myself.
Pray. Meditate or pray, whatever is your preference, but connect with a source that is higher than you. Faith in the divine gives hope to something new. In faith, I decided to give my desire for a partner to God. I challenged myself to take my spirituality to another level, which meant being totally intimate with my creator. In order for me to heal those layers of wounds, I had to be vulnerable with God.
Cry (especially if you’ve been holding back). Crying is the opportunity to release. In this space, I was able to mourn the absence of my father, a failed relationship and all the others who couldn’t see my worth.
Forgive. Forgiveness is not about the person who hurts you, but it frees you from the bondage of hurt. It’s choosing not to be defined by the hurt. Everyone who I believed hurt me, I forgave them. I set myself free from the hurt.
Here’s what I discovered during my dating fast: My validation was tied to men. I was obsessed with the idea of having a partner/husband in a very unhealthy way. I was searching for my father in other men. I
discovered his absence left a void that could only be filled through healing.
I am enough as is. I finally learned that even though my relationship with my father was not ideal, it was not a reflection of my self- worth. I possess the power to define who I am. This discovery enabled me to confidently pursue all my endeavors wholeheartedly. I was approaching opposite sex relationships from a hurt perspective. I am a firm believer in the saying, you attract what you are. I was broken, attracting broken people as well. I was entering those encounters with the expectation of being hurt, which only yielded counterproductive relationships.
Love conquers all. Self-love lays the foundation for how we approach everything else in life. Love brings us back to safety, and reassures us that everything is okay, and we can keep moving forward. It is our duty to take care of ourselves.
Is there something you need to detach from, in order to reconnect with yourself? Do you think you could take a break from dating and benefit from a relation or situationship fast?