If a spider fell into my fro ? I?m done.
That?s how my life will end.
And God forbid anyone else is around when it happens because their life will be at risk too.
I have an afro and I love just about everything about it. It?s big, fluffy, and people generally like it more than me.
This is why I?m also jealous of my fro. It?s high maintenance, prevents me from wearing hats (I live in Chicago which is substituting for Antarctica at the moment), and occasionally knocks things off shelves.
It really does have an essence all its own.
But Lord whenever my hair moves on its own I immediately think a spider has somehow fell into the kinky-curly abyss and will never ? ever find its way out.
Then I?d die.
But before I?d die I would run for my life, legs flying, arms flailing, calling on the name of Jesus and rebuking Satan.
Then after inadvertently taking the lives of those unfortunate to cross my path at the time, I?d die from police gunfire or just fear.
As you can see, I?ve put a lot of thought into this.
To be honest I?ve been fortunate enough not to have seen a spider anywhere in my room for the past five months (or in my building for that matter ? praise Him) but that doesn?t mean I stay sleep. They out here somewhere.
If this ever happens (I say if because I rebuke it in the name of Jesus) ? I will die.
Like most people I?m terrified of spiders. But my fear is on a different level. I?m the bold one who will kill a spider in one beat because hesitating in the least will give that demon crawler time to flee. If it flees ? it lives. If it lives ? it procreates. If it procreates ? more demon spawn will break loose in the building. Then the chances of one of those four-eyed skittering claws of Satan landing in my hair increases.
So I kill that thing on sight. Then I flush it down the toilet just in case it only lost one leg and is just playing dead. (I can?t hate on them things though ? they fight).
I feel no remorse for spiders. You may say God created them for a reason, and while I cannot say you?re wrong ? I can say that I?m fairly sure those things appeared once the devil and his ride-or-dies got dropkicked down to Earth.
This combination of satanic arachnids and thick, kinky hair generates a colossal fear.
I don?t want this to happen. Ever. To anyone. For any reason.
[Editor’s Note: but what about a walking into a spider web though? not one of those one-string, phantom webs we’ve all encountered on an early morning before. i’m talking a full fledged, white, multi-layer web with stuff already in it. i’d rip every single strand of hair out of my roots with my own hands. then i’d die. we’d both be dead. just pour some out for your girl.]