I didn’t keep my promises. I said yes when I meant no. I said I’d call, said I’d be there and when the time came, I didn’t show up. I saw myself doing the same things, making the same mistakes, over and over but I couldn’t seem to stop. From my relationships to my career, it was all the same. I was letting fear run my life. I was a starter but never a finisher. So many ideas I ran through, focused and hopeful at first, but not for long. Eventually things would get difficult, my emotions would shift and I’d quit. Then I’d beat myself up, wondering what was wrong with me.
These cycles have been frustrating but necessary. I had to see myself, the common denominator, doing self-destructive things over and over again to realize that I was the cause of my own misery. Face to face, looking at the realest part of me, I learned how to be patient and open to the uncomfortable process of change.
Changing Your Life And Your Habits Is Not Easy–At First.
You have to start over again and again and give yourself infinite chances to learn so you can move on. Some habits are harder to break than others. But to live the life you want and keep growing, you have to let yourself experience the discomfort of change and surrender to it as a way of life. You won’t always win and you won’t always lose but change is constant. Fighting it will only keep you stuck and uninspired.
When I quit my corporate job to pursue writing full-time, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to overcome my vices and bad habits to become the brave woman I needed to be. I knew that I would be challenged and stretched in crazy ways and that if I gave up, it would be because I let my doubts win and I didn’t trust the process.
All the things I thought would stop me have indeed proven difficult, but not impossible. Quitting my job has revealed a new woman to me. One who doesn’t run away from scary things like failure, discomfort, sacrifice and criticism. A woman who can do hard things for the right reasons. I love this new woman. I love how she makes growth, not perfection, her goal. I love how she has redefined failure and looks at her struggles like they are divine missions with meaning and value.
The Journey Won’t Be Perfect. (And That’s Okay)
I still screw up all the time and have to start over and apologize and mend things. But I find that every time I acknowledge my situation honestly and take life as it comes, I find grace. Every time.
Don’t forget that we all have problems but they are really just experiences that help us see the things we’re ignoring and not valuing. When you face disappointment or failure, it’s not a reason to quit. This is when it’s time to shed your skin and transform into a more experienced, more aware version of yourself. This won’t happen once or twice, this is a lifestyle. You will have to start over again and again and try different things and be resilient as you figure yourself out and pursue the life you want. But it is worth it to see who you become in the process.