I am a woman who knows exactly what she wants from a lover. I want someone who is strong but knows how to be gentle when the mood is right. Not that I’m too demanding, but I’m very vocal about what I expect in the bedroom. If you’re going to venture into my queendom, you’d better come correct. I can say all of this now, but a few years ago it was a totally different story. I was very shy and timid about sex. Of course I enjoyed it, but I didn’t know how to express my desires to my partner. As girls, we are taught that certain subjects like sex are taboo. Because of this, by the time we grow into women, we don’t approach the idea of sexuality the same as men do. They can boast about their conquests and not be judged by others or labeled a “ho.” As women, we aren’t “allowed” the same courtesy so we feel that we have to be more discreet about our deeds. I’ve learned to maneuver around the double standard, but I spent most of my 20s feeling guilty about coitus. Here are 9 things things every woman should know – things that I know now that I wish I would have known then – about sex.
1. IT’S IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOURSELF
Aside from the usual “ooos” and “aahs”, what are you doing to let him know you’re enjoying it? There’s no need to keep quiet if you’re having a good time or even if you’re not. In my younger years, I wasn’t good at giving direction and would finish only mildly satisfied. Speak up and be vocal. If you’re quiet and he’s quiet, then someone’s not getting it. Besides, silence is just awkward. Tell your lover how you exactly how you want it. It’s like playing a game of Twister. Right hand on yellow, left foot on green.
2. TOUCHING YOURSELF IS VERY EMPOWERING
Ladies, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being hands-on. It’s completely natural. You’ve got to get to know your body somehow and why not explore it yourself. Playing below the belt and touching your body lets you know what you like and what you don’t – what drives you up the wall and what you can do without. And if someone’s not going to enjoy that luscious skin and smooth behind, then you definitely should. When you’re all alone with a glass of wine and candles, take some time and pleasure yourself. Not only will it release some tension, but it’s actually very empowering.
3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ASHAMED OF WHAT YOU LIKE
There’s that part in Beyonce’s song “Flawless” when Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie starts talking about marriage. “Why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?” she says. “We teach girls that they can’t be sexual beings in the way that boys are.” This rings so much truth. Men, our mothers, and society have told us that we need to be married to have sex and/or we need to do it a “certain way” for it to be “good and proper sex.” When I slept with someone in my 20s, I felt so guilty. There was this sense of shame. Though everyone has different backgrounds, no matter your beliefs, make sure they are healthy. Stand firm in your own personal feelings on sex and make sure you are happy. Sex should never make you feel ashamed.
4. EXPERIMENTING ISN’T ONLY FOR SCIENCE CLASS
Once upon a time I thought there were things that I would never do sexually. I thought certain things were dirty and wrong. Now that I’ve come to understand my body and my sexuality, I’ve changed my tune. I’m comfortable enough with myself to try positions and situations that I’ve been curious about. Why just have a fantasy? Make that dream happen. Sex toys, getting freaky in a dark club, a one night stand – take your pick. And if there’s any point in time when you’re no longer liking it, you can always stop – because you own your sexuality no matter if you’re single or not.
5. YOUR BODY IS PERFECT JUST THE WAY IT IS RIGHT THIS MOMENT
“Wait, don’t go there I didn’t shave.” “Can we turn off the lights?” “But I just got my hair done.” I could tell you that he’s not worried about your stretch marks and cellulite and the way your boobs move when you’re on top, but really that doesn’t matter. Nor does it matter that his body isn’t perfect either and even it was – so what. What matters is that you’re gorgeous! You’re a goddess! And you’re choosing to gift him the glory of our body. If he wants to go downtown and you aren’t waxed, who cares? Serve it to him on a platter. Hair is supposed to be on your vagina so it’s okay that you haven’t been to see your waxer in a few months. Stop thinking about all of your completely made up, imaginary flaws and let go.
6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STROKE HIS EGO
Men feel a sense of power when they are inside of you. They are in their own little worlds where they are the king of sex. You may hear things like, “You like that, don’t you?” and “Say my name.” Meanwhile you’re laying in bed bored out your mind thinking about all the errands you need to run after it’s over. Ladies, if the sex isn’t doing anything for you don’t fake an orgasm. Tell that man he needs to work harder or smarter or both. Which leads to the next point…
7. GET WHAT YOU WANT
Take control. If he’s not hitting the right spot, give him directions. His feelings might be hurt for a split second, but if he’s a good catch, he’ll be so turned on when you take command of the situation. Many men have admitted to getting off even more when they can feel you’re getting yours too. I used to feel so bad when a guy had already arrived and I was still waiting to orgasm. If you aren’t able to sync up each time, give him time to restart those engines or start going to work on yourself and have him help if you want. You need to satisfy your appetite. Remember, the queen bee always gets her honey.
8. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCK LIKE A PORN STAR
Yes, I’ve watched “adult films” and I can honestly say that I personally can’t get down like that. I absolutely cannot put my legs behind my head and arch my back at the same time. It doesn’t matter how much yoga I do, that will never happen and I will never apologize for that. If I attempted any of that, I’d definitely throw my back out. But I’m not interested in trying unrealistic things. I not a porn star, nor do I aspire to be one. I can hold my own.
9. LOVE YOURSELF
This is by far the most important thing I’ve learned that I wish I’d known before. I had allowed other people to set the standards for me. I wasn’t okay in my own skin without getting approval from someone else. I wasn’t sure how to embrace my sexuality and would rely on my partner to let me know I was doing it right. You need to know your worth in order for others to really appreciate what you’ve got. Know that you’re the shit and believe that you’re the shit. That confidence and love for you will resonate and you will will enjoy sex with your partner time after time.
Sex is so animalistic, yet also very sensual. There is a beautiful duality that exists that I have come to embrace. I don’t have to separate my sexual self from my normal self. They are one in the same. I am a woman. I am a black woman. I am a sexual being. There are things that I wish I’d understood in my 20s, but I’m glad that I at least know them now. Intimacy has allowed me to discover more about me than I ever knew before. My sexuality gives me power and I revel in it. It is a part of me. It is who I am. It’s who you are. Own it.
“Things I Wish I Knew About Sex In My 20s That I Know Now” is part III of VI in our Model Liberation ‘She’ Collaboration. Self Portraits by Nikia Phoenix.
